Fellow Ninjaphiles, CotB has a sad, sad story to tell you.
It is a story of prejudice and hate that will surely make you weep for your favorite masters of stealthy art.
It seems that wise and ultimately benevolent Ninjas were just too violent for Great Britain in the 1980s.
Benevolent? You bet, it is indisputable that the world is certainly a better place with Ninjas in it. Pirates we can certainly do without, but Ninjas are as necessary to our quality of life as cellphones, dishwashing machines and automatic-scoop cat-litter boxes.
This horrible revelation came to CotB last night while checking out a variety of cartoon postings at YouTube.
The best of the bunch was a mega-long compilation of opening segments from 1980s cartoons. The nostalgic trip took about a half and hour, and through all those clicks I had plenty of time to hit upon some of the best (“G.I. Joe”), some the worst (Filmation’s “Ghostbusters”) and some of the forgotten (the toon version of “Beetlejuice.”)
Of course the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” made an appearance too, and this is where the trouble for ninjas began….
And it’s just about as troubling as reports of Michael Bay’s upcoming travesty about some sort of Teenage “Alien” Ninja Turtles.
Wanna see a few of those great cartoon openings? Visit it here.
There you go — if your boss sees you watching it, just tell them it was some slimy pirate-sent spam that popped up and you can’t stop it.
When that monolith of a video ended, the robots at YouTube kindly informed CotB of similar videos it might enjoy.
In nostalgic euphoria, we clicked another compilation, only to be shocked and saddened at the gross prejudice therein.
You see, among the compilations was the “Turtle” cartoon opening, but it wasn’t the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” opening, it was some horrific variation called “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles.” Go ahead and watch it.
Go ahead and click that image to the right.
You heard it right.
You saw it right.
Hero Turtles. Not Ninja Turtles.
Alarm bells went off at CotB HQ. Ninjas were in peril. The sky was falling. (Though maybe it was just that our popcorn had finally finished in the microwave.)
The laws that banned such Ninja-themed characters has since been lifted, but we must continue to stand against such vicious anti-Ninja efforts.
It’s sad, horrifying and concrete proof that we certainly need things like a new TMNT movie. But it needs to be the real thing.
We need the genuine article.
Proof that despite all the strides Ninja have made since their creation all those centuries ago that there are royalty-loving, Spice Girl-buying, James Bond wannabes and, most dreadfully, horrible movie directors who seek to destroy the Ninja way of life.
To that, CotB says “Never give up, Ninja, never surrender!”
“Give me Ninjas or give them death!”
“We must’nt let the Ninja slip quietly into the night!”
… Uhm, well, actually, Ninja are supposed to slip quietly into the night… but you get the point, and stay tuned for some Teenage MUTANT NINJA Turtles.
We will take nothing less.