The Real Facts About Ninja Week

There is a lot of misinformation out there about Ninjas. The often reliable Wikipedia, the web’s “free encyclopedia,” has a page on Ninjas, but it’s completely untrustworthy on the subject. It’s even possible that the entry was authored by ninjas to fuel confusion on their true nature.

Aside from attempting to misinform the public about with their self-created Wikipedia entry, the ninjas are clearly trying to bore us as well.

Just read this: “Ninja as a group first began to be written about in 15th century feudal Japan as martial organizations predominately in the regions of Iga and Koga of central Japan, though the practice of Guerrilla warfare and undercover espionage operations goes back much further.”

Yawn.

A much more reliable and properly enthusiastic account on Ninjas can be found at the Uncyclopedia, a Web site billed as “a content-free encyclopedia.” Of all the internet sources available on Ninja, it explains the true abilities of the Ninja.

The Uncyclopedia offers this proper explanation of Ninja power: “Ninja are also known for their 1337 skills, their knowledge of quilting history, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally flip out and cut people’s heads off.”

Now that you know where to get reliable Ninja facts, we can talk about Ninja Week in the proper context.

• Frequency: Ninja Week occurs the first full week after St. Patrick’s Day. This week was selected because it happened to be the week that the CotB staff said “Hey, we should make this week Ninja Week.”
• How Ninjas celebrate Ninja Week: Ninjas, in their awesome coolness, celebrate Ninja Week by taking the week off, traveling to a properly landlocked resort to train in new Ninja techniques and discuss the best tactics for destroying pirates, their arch-enemies.
• How non-Ninjas celebrate Ninja Week: Regular folk, like you and me, are encouraged to celebrate the annual Ninja exodus by reminding your fellow non-Ninjas about their deadly skills.

As such, the week is broken up into a number of mini-events.

• Monday — Dutiful Respect Day: The official start of Ninja Week is celebrated by spending every waking moment spreading word of the coolness of Ninjas. Bombard Google with Ninja-themed searches, dedicate Ninja shrines, send out press releases to the local media and knock on neighbors’ doors and tell them just how amazing Ninjas are.
• Tuesday — Enemy Day: On this day, non-Ninjas are urged to annoy, harass and make life tough for the enemies of Ninjas. While pirates are on the top of the list of Ninja enemies, there are many other enemies that can be similarly agitated. Among them are cowboys, astronauts, robots and zombies. This lengthy list of enemies is even explored in an inexpensive downloadable board game.
• Wednesday — Black Wednesday: On this day, all Ninja-loving non-Ninjas are expected to wear black, a traditional Ninja uniform color. When you encounter another ebon-clad individual, a silent nod of acknowledgment is expected. Upon ensuring that there aren’t any non-Ninja lovers within earshot, feel free to talk about your love for these martial-art icons. If you’re feeling really festive, you can dress in Ninja gear from head to toe with the help of Web sites like Enter the Ninja.
• Thursday — Secret Shuriken Day: Thursdays are fun for children and adults alike because, as Ninja lovers, you are expected to carry a shuriken — known in America as a throwing star — on your person at all times. At any point in the day, a fellow Ninja Week participant can stop you and demand you present your shuriken to him or her. If you fail to produce a shuriken, you lose face and are expected to give the participant exactly 17 M&Ms. Conversely, you aren’t permitted to display your shuriken to non-Ninja Week celebrants. Since you’re nowhere near as skilled at hiding shurikens on your body as a real Ninja (and the fact that this post-9/11 society is full of metal detectors and zero-tolerance policies) you aren’t expected to carry a real, metal shuriken on your person. Instead, you can carry a plastic or rubber throwing star or you can even make one out of paper.
• Friday — Ninja Media Day: As Ninja Week winds down, celebrants are urged to spend their free time enjoying Ninjas as represented in popular culture — namely movies. For the at-home crowd, CotB suggests the likes of Michael Dudikoff’s 1985 masterpiece “American Ninja” and its four sequels. For those with a little more cash, zip out to the theater and catch the latest ninja themed movie. This year it’s “TMNT,” the newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and since CotB isn’t getting any money from the producers of the film, we don’t mind name-dropping the heck out of it.